This is a much more sensitive subject than I normally talk about. In fact, most people don’t like to talk about it at all. There are two very scary words that people try to avoid unless they face them in their own life: infertility and miscarriage. I’m mainly writing this for myself. I don’t want to forget any of the details. But I’m also writing this for the woman who is suffering alone. You’re not alone at all. There are communities of women who are suffering through this, and I would love to help you find them so that you won’t have to go through this by yourself. But first, here’s my story.
According to Medical News Today infertility is defined as not conceiving after 12 months of regular intercourse without the use of birth control. Not to say that you can never get pregnant, but that it takes some extra effort. Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week. About 1 in 4 women who are pregnant experience a miscarriage. That’s a lot of women. Some women have a miscarriage before they even discover that they’re pregnant.
For us, we knew that we were pregnant for 3 weeks. It’s not that long, but that life meant just as much as a baby carried to full term. I’m talking about this because I want other women who go through this to understand that you don’t have to feel hopeless. It’s okay to mourn, but you can still feel joy and comfort throughout the entire process. Let me just share my infertility story and you’ll see what I mean.
So in March of 2017 my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive (ttc). We’ve wanted kids since the day we got married, and we honestly would have been happy if we found out that I was pregnant when we got home from our honeymoon. At first it was really exciting. I looked forward to the day that I got to take a pregnancy test! That excitement started to fade when I started seeing negative after negative after negative. I knew God’s timing was better than mine, so I just kept waiting patiently. After about 6 months of ttc with no success I went to my doctor to make sure everything was okay. He had me start using the Creighton Model System of charting (basically just charting my mucus) so that I would know exactly when I was ovulating. Through all of this I kept reminding myself that God’s timing is perfect, even when it seemed frustrating. After a few months of that my doctor decided he wanted to do a hormone profile where I would get blood work done every few days to see what my hormones were doing throughout my cycle. Then he had me come in for an ultrasound. I had large chocolate (blood-filled) cysts on my ovaries. We scheduled surgery for the following week (this was in March 2018). I had the cysts removed, we found endometriosis all over place, removed most of that, and had my tubes cleared. The few days after that surgery were the most painful days I have ever experienced in my entire life. And the hormonal side of all of this is terrible!!! So now we continue on ttc. At this point I recognized how much more spiritually mature I had grown in the past year. I got a glimpse of why God’s timing was the way it was. I’d be a better mother today than I would have been then. I’d love them more deeply and I’d be able to teach them more about being a follower of Jesus than I would have been able to before. That year of my life I learned so much and I grew closer to God than I ever had in my entire life. At this point I truly gave this whole situation over to God. I said I had before, but I really hadn’t. Saying it is one thing, but doing it is completely different. My desire to be a mother would be just as fulfilled through giving birth to my own children as it would be adopting or even having other children in my life to love. I had to be completely willing to not have children at all to give God all of the control over this. Well as soon as I did that, July 2018, I got my first positive pregnancy test ever! Yay! Right? I was in shock, and I didn’t really believe it. I got blood work done to confirm it, and it was true. I had a precious little baby growing inside me.
So why did I feel guilty telling my close friends and family about it? I kept thinking I would feel better once I got an ultrasound, but I knew in my heart that this just wouldn’t last. Our instincts are smarter than we think. Sunday, August 5th, I started bleeding. I went to the ER, and they basically told me that I was most likely miscarrying, but they don’t know for sure so I should just go see my doctor on Monday.
Monday morning I woke up to sharp pains in my chest and stomach, and before I could even get to the doctor I passed my little miracle baby. I was exactly 6 weeks pregnant at that point. So now here we are, starting all over again. Why did I go through ALL of this for me to lose my baby in such a short time? I don’t know. All I know is that I have victory even when I am at my absolute weakest.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV
God uses us even in our darkest times. Even when the pain is deep, He gets the glory. We have eternal victory in Him. When this broken world fails us and we feel like we have nothing left to give, that’s when our faith in God grows stronger than we could ever imagine. He uses our hardships for His eternal glory. And I’m so thankful that He does. Doesn’t it bring joy to your heart that you aren’t suffering for no reason? That God gets the glory from that? Isn’t that beautiful?? God sees our pain. He understands more than anyone. His heart hurts when we’re in pain. That’s comforting to me. He’s our father and He loves us. He doesn’t want us to hurt. He wants us to find eternal joy and peace in Him. That’s why we can’t rely on this world to bring us happiness. The world fails us. The joy from the world fades, but the joy from the Lord stays with us for all of eternity.
“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.”
Lamentations 3:19-33 NIV
I hope that this may comfort someone else who is going through infertility or miscarriage. It’s painful, but we can still celebrate the good that comes from this. I can celebrate the life of my baby that I haven’t met yet, but will meet one day. We can celebrate that God is using the good and the bad from this situation to grow me spiritually and hopefully use me to encourage others. I pray that through my hardship someone would come to know Christ. That would bring me unspeakable joy. Right now I’ll focus on celebrating that God has victory over death, and I am eternally free from its sting. I’m constantly thankful that God chooses to use someone like me for His eternal glory. ❤️